[CH] Non CH but food related humor

=Mark (mstevens@exit109.com)
Fri, 10 Apr 1998 15:13:27 -0400

The Lesser* Banishing Ritual
of Thee Mother-Inlaw

[The Greater ritual being to terrible even for the worst of inlaws]

by James Lin

In the double current of Maat/Horus,the dis-banding of Nirvana and 
the age of the new Goddess, Alanis Morrissett, do I type these words, 'tis
without a word of lie, 'tis very true. That which is on the z-list is
online, and that
which is online, is on the z-list, to work boredom from. And just as all
things have been, and are come from, Shub internet, so are all e-mails born
this one thing. And so it goes.....

As I lay in my chamber, exausted from another day, my Ladywife and child
beside me, I did hear a stirring coming from yonder."Hark", I said, I
usually don't say Hark, but it makes for a better story, "Hark", I said,
"What is that noise
from kitchen yonder?"

I crawled from the safety of my warm nest and reached for my weapon. I spoke
the secret words as taught to me by my mentor, Mr. Rogers.

"Oh mighty Mjollnir, basher of burglars, at any other time thy name be
golfclub, defend me now in your grandest "hole in one" style. I invoke thee
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicholas, and Lee Trevino. Lee, your not that great of
a golfer, but
you were struck by lightning." I felt the powerglow of Mjollnir creep
through my body, or it might have just been heartburn from to much pizza
before bed, I'm not
sure. Feeling bold,I took four antacid tablets with extra calcium and crept
down the stairs to the cavern we call the kitchen. There before me hunched
over a pot of
some incongruent mass, was, to my horror, Thee Mother in Law!

I quickly said my silent invocation to the God "Nike Adidas" and the silent
incantation "Feets don't fail me now" but she turned and saw me before I
could run away. The stench of too much Opium and Morning Dew perfume
assaulted my
senses, I almost passed out from the smell. I shook my head to clear my
throbbing brain, and saw her moving toward me, a spoon in one hand and the
pot in the

Thinking as quickly as I could I shouted "Get thee behind me mother in law.
Oh yea, forcer of unwanted food, pincher of my young son's cheeks. Take your
pots of alcohol chicken and your silly folk superstitions and begone."

And she that moved spake, "We are the Mother in Laws and we are many, we
move into your home in the well meaning guise of nutritional needs, but in
reality we come to cause strife. Our famous curse "support the babies head"
will ring
in your ears till the day you die."

The odor of garlic and Polident was almost too much to bear. I was frozen in
place, forced to listen to her complaining diatribe.

She continued " I hurl upon ye, parents that love your children and would
keep them. We the Mother in laws manifest in many forms, one of those forms
being "The well meaning friend."

I had had enough, I knew if I didn't stop this horror now, it would be too
late. I rose up and spoke the revered names of Gods an Goddesses most hated
by Thee Mother in Law.

"I invoke thee Led Zeppelin, fall upon this Legion and take it from my site.
In through the out door, if you will. And also the curse called "The well
meaning friend." Those vile childless beings that somehow know EVERYTHING 
about how to rear MY child. Jimi Hendricks wail upon your guitar with extra
feedback and
distortion, Janis Joplin rip one out and sonically banish this blot on human

Then I spoke my best and most sacred barbarous name incantation, that of
Cheech and Chong " Oh Feely me bony belly e probiscus e Billy selly all of
his dominoes."

And with that Thee Mother in Law packed her bags and left my dwelling,
vowing never to return.

Somehow, I doubted it.

This is an original work by James Lin and may be freely stolen, plagiarized
and transmitted openly on any and all systems.


                      @ http://www.exit109.com/~mstevens @
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                        I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me
                                   than a pre-frontal lobotomy...