[CH] [Fwd: The Chili Cookoff]
Doug Irvine (dirvin@bc.sympatico.ca)
Thu, 02 Jul 1998 13:49:37 -0800
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Could NOT have been a certified chile-head!
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 11:53:42 -0700
To: doug irvine <dirvin@bc.sympatico.ca>
From: Ron Herd <Ron_Herd@bc.sympatico.ca>
Subject: The Chili Cookoff
Cc: Jack Daniels <john_daniels@bc.sympatico.ca>
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->The Chili Cookoff
> (By a guy named Cameron)
>
> Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
>Famous Celebrity in
>my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
>one else wanted to
>do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
>moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
>directions to the
>beerwagon when the call came.
>
> I was assured by the other two judges that the chili
>wouldn't be all that
> spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer
>during the tasting,
> so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you
>endure when you're an
> Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
> Here are the
> scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
>
> CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint
> from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. Hope
> that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
>
>
> Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
>Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
>taken seriously.
>
> CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
>sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
>people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to
>the front of the
>beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
>after a bad
> night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that
>the snake tattoo
> under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye
>and a face like
> Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
>
>
> Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
>more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
>peppers.
>
> CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
>located a Uranium
> spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
>Everyone knows the
> routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to
>the beer wagon.
> Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
>front part of my
>chest. She said her friends call her "Sally. Probably
>behind her back
> they call her "Forklift."
>
>
> Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
>dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but
>was unable to
> taste it.. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills
>so I wouldn't
> have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her
>snake sort of
> coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.
>
>
> Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
>ground adding co
> nsiderable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
>tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus
>my eyes. I belched
>and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
>contestant
> seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
>brain damage. Sally
>saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
>pitcher. Sort of
> irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
>screaming.
>
>
> Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
>balance of spice
> and peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, and
> garlic.Superb.
>
> CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
>with gaseous
> flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>Sally. I asked if
> she wants to go dancing later.
>
>
> Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
>canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
>chili peppers at
> the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
>Judge Number 3, he
> appears to be in a bit of distress.
>
> CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and
>pull the pin and I
>wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the
>world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
>with chili which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
>autopsy they'll
> know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's
>too late. Tell
> our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.
>I've decided to
> stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any
>oxygen anyway. If
> I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my
>stomach. Call the
> X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my
>tongue.
>
> Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
>neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
>Number 3 fell and
> pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
>safe for all, not
> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> CAMERON: Momma...
>
>
Ron Herd
Ron_Herd@bc.sympatico.ca
Telephone 1 (250) 756-9663
Fax 1 (250) 758-8454
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<bold><bigger><bigger><bigger>-><color><param>0000,0000,FFFF</param>The
Chili Cookoff
</color>> </bigger><color><param>FFFF,0000,0000</param>(By a guy named
Cameron)
</color></bigger></bigger></bold>>
> Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding=20
>Famous Celebrity in
>my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no=20
>one else wanted to
>do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last=20
>moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking=20
>directions to the
>beerwagon when the call came.
>
> I was assured by the other two judges that the chili=20
>wouldn't be all that
> spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer=20
>during the tasting,
> so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you=20
>endure when you're an
> Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.=20
> Here are the
> scorecards from the event:
>
<paraindent><param>right,right,right,right,left,left,left,left</param><bold>=
<color><param>FFFF,0000,0000</param><bigger><bigger><bigger>>
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
</bigger></bigger></bigger></color></bold>>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
>
> CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could=20
>remove dried paint
> from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the=20
>flames out. Hope
> that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
>
</paraindent>>
<paraindent><param>right,left</param><bold><underline><bigger><bigger>>
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner
Chili</bigger></bigger></underline></bold>
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight=20
>Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be=20
>taken seriously.
>
> CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not=20
>sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two=20
>people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to=20
>the front of the
>beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler=20
>after a bad
> night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that=20
>the snake tattoo
> under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye=20
>and a face like
> Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
>
</paraindent>>
<paraindent><param>right,right,left,left</param><bold><italic><underline><co=
lor><param>FFFF,CCCC,0000</param><bigger><bigger>>
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili</bigger></bigger></color></underline></italic></bold>
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs=20
>more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red=20
>peppers.
>
> CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've=20
>located a Uranium
> spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.=20
>Everyone knows the
> routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to=20
>the beer wagon.
> Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the=20
>front part of my
>chest. She said her friends call her "Sally. Probably=20
>behind her back
> they call her "Forklift."
>
</paraindent>>
<paraindent><param>right,left</param><bold><italic><color><param>FFFF,0000,0=
000</param><bigger>>
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
</bigger></color></italic></bold>> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with
almost no spice.=20
> Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side=20
>dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but=20
>was unable to
> taste it.. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills=20
>so I wouldn't
> have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her=20
>snake sort of
> coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.
>
</paraindent>>
<paraindent><param>right,right,left,left</param><bold><underline><bigger><bi=
gger>>
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip
Remover</bigger></bigger></underline></bold>
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly=20
>ground adding co
> nsiderable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more=20
>tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus=20
>my eyes. I belched
>and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The=20
>contestant
> seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me=20
>brain damage. Sally
>saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a=20
>pitcher. Sort of
> irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop=20
>screaming.
>
</paraindent>>
><bold><color><param>6666,3333,0000</param><bigger> Chili #6: Vera's
Very Vegetarian Variety
</bigger></color></bold>>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good=20
>balance of spice
> and peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,=20
>onions, and
> garlic.Superb.
>
> CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled=20
>with gaseous
> flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except=20
>Sally. I asked if
> she wants to go dancing later.
>
>
<center><bold><color><param>0000,7777,0000</param><bigger><bigger><bigger>>
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
</bigger></bigger></bigger></color></bold>>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on=20
>canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned=20
>chili peppers at
> the last moment. I should note that I am worried about=20
>Judge Number 3, he
> appears to be in a bit of distress.
>
> CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and=20
>pull the pin and I
>wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the=20
>world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered=20
>with chili which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at=20
>autopsy they'll
> know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's=20
>too late. Tell
> our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.=20
>I've decided to
> stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any=20
>oxygen anyway. If
> I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my=20
>stomach. Call the
> X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my=20
>tongue.
</center>>
<flushright><bold><color><param>0000,0000,FFFF</param><bigger><bigger>>
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
</bigger></bigger></color></bold>>
> JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,=20
>neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge=20
>Number 3 fell and
> pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,=20
>safe for all, not
> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> CAMERON: Momma...
>
>
</flushright>
Ron Herd
Ron_Herd@bc.sympatico.ca
Telephone 1 (250) 756-9663
=46ax 1 (250) 758-8454
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