Re: [CH] Great chilehead joke!
Dave Drum (xrated@famvid.com)
Fri, 22 Sep 2000 20:03:54 -0500
ZoeysPa@aol.com wrote:
>
> Hi all,
> Sorry about the language, but this was too good to pass up.
> Tim the shy boy
Tim.... and all y'all others. Let's just post the original and give
proper credit where it is due. See if this doesn't look familiar - and
please note to COPYRIGHT and the conditions for re-printing/posting.
Bruce is a really funny guy - better than Dave Barry. And I don't like
seeing him get ripped off!!!!
The Cameron Column # 119
A FREE Internet Newsletter effortlessly brought to you by W. Bruce
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This is a repeat. I receive more requests for additional copies of this
essay than any other I've ever produced, and I still send it out as part
of
my welcome message to new subscribers. It's also been plagiarized all
over
the place, including by some person named William Conway, who delights
in
taking my work and putting his name on it.
Anyway, with all those requests for reprints, I guess I felt it deserved
another shot. Thanks!
Bruce
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Chili Judge
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
===> Please do not remove the copyright from this essay! <===
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in
my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else
wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could
have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those
burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known
and
adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope
that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.
She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under
her
eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston
Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my
chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back
they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of
coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved
my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates
me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she
wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at
the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge
Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like
it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which
slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know
what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our
children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to
stop
breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the
X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?
Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For publication reprint permission, including web sites, please write me
an
e-mail
The Cameron Column
A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
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ENJOY!!!
--------
UNCLE DIRTY DAVE'S KITCHEN --
Home of Yaaaaa Hooooo Aaahhh!!! HOT SAUCE and Hardin Cider