[CH] FW: Chilli Tasting (Warning: Gratuitous use of bad language)

Brent Hudson (Brent@moonlighting.co.za)
Tue, 5 Jun 2001 11:08:37 +0200 

Appeared in my Mailbox...

Brent


>Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, a Canadian who was 
>visiting Texas: 
> 
>Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity
in 
>Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do 
>it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I 
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the

>beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges 
>(Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, 
>they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. 
> 
>Here are the scorecards from the event..... 
> 
>Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
> 
>FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried 
>paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. 
>Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 
> 
>Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
> 
>FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed 
>to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me 
>the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they

>saw the look on my face. 
> 
>Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. 
> 
>FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I 
>have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid 
>pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. 
>I'm getting shit-faced. 
> 
>Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or 
>other mild foods, not much of a chilli. 
> 
>FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste 
>it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 
>300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm 
>eating. 
> 
>Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding 
>considerable kick. Very impressive. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit 
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
> 
>FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and

>four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended 
>when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my 
>tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It 
>really chokes me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 
>Screw those rednecks! 
> 
>Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice 
>and peppers. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. 
>Superb !! 
> 
>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric 
>flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I 
>need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! 
> 
>Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of 
>chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about 
>Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing 
>uncontrollably. 
> 
>FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,and I 
>wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world 
>sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli 
>which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like 
>shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what 
>killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm 
>not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through 
>the 4 inch hole in my stomach. 
> 
>Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli 
> 
>JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, 
>not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
> 
>JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor 
>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, 
>fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to

>make it. Poor Canuck. 

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