[CH] Fw: Very, Very funny - chilli contest!

John Dickson (jdickson@global.net.au)
Wed, 24 Sep 2003 21:35:05 +0800 

----- Original Message ----
>
>
> >
> > An oldie but a goodie!
> >
> >
> > > *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> > > the
> > > first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
> > >
> > > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> > > They
> > > actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town.
> > > It
> > > takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
> > >
> > > The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was
> > > visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> > >
> > > Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Chilli
> > > cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened
> > > to
> > > be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
> > > Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
> > > judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> > > besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> > > accepted."
> > >
> > > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> > >
> > > Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> > > Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the h*ll is this stuff? You Could
> > > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > > flames
> > > out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> > >
> > > Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
> > > seriously.
> > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure What
> > > I'm
> > > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
> > > to
> > > give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they
> > > saw
> > > the look on my face.
> > >
> > > Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> > > Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > > like
> > > I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> > > more
> > > beer before I ignite. A large texan barmaid pounded me on the back,
now
> > > my
> > > backbone is in my chest and I think I'm getting pis*ed from all of the
> > > beer!
> > >
> > > Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
> > > other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
> > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
> > > to
> > > taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was
> > > standing behind me with fresh refills. That bench-pressing musclewoman
> > > is
> > > starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> > > chilli
> > > an aphrodisiac?
> > >
> > > Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> > > Adding
> > > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > > Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> > > admit
> > > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And
I
> > > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
feinted.
> > > The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had
Given
> > > me
> > > brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
> > > directly
> > > on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. The other
> > > judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> > >
> > > Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
> > > spices and peppers.
> > > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> > > garlic.
> > > Superb.
> > > Judge #3-- I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> > > through
> > > the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She
> > > must
> > > be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my
> > > a*ss with a snow cone.
> > >
> > > Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
> > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a Can of
> > > chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried
> > > about Judge #3. He apears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> > > uncontrollably.
> > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
> > > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli,
which
> > > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to
> > > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
> > > me.
> > > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> > > getting
> > > any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> > > 4-inch
> > > hole in my stomach.
> > >
> > > Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
> > >
> > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not Too
> > > bold
> > > but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither Mild
> > > nor
> > > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
> > > fell
> > > over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
> > > going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> > > chili?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>
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