Re: [CH] OT Banned at Wal Mart
John Benz Fentner, Jr. (johnfentner@comcast.net)
Tue, 06 May 2008 04:03:40 -0400
Bravo!!
Byron wrote:
>
> I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
> course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
> prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
> definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
> the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
> that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
> of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
> "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanero peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
> usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and
> lightning.
>
> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
> when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store
> that
> I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
> until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
> the
> pain hit me.
> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
> referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us
> at the wrong time. The thing is; this pain was different.
>
> The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a
> revolt. In a forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
> could
> take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
> sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
> in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
> I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
> me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
> my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
> elderly woman turned into it.
>
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
> reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
> as she
> walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
> directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
> at least will be able to relate.
>
> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
> walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
> so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
> running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
> though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
> terrible,
> but then made me laugh. Mistake!
>
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
> down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that
> I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
> someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
>
> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
> through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
> way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
> place.
>
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
> the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my
> ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
> in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a
> gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly
> left.
>
> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
> intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached
> me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
> It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
> is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
> take care of the problem."
>
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
> The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S
> YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
> unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
> not to return.
>
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
> to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
> went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
> are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to
> have to repaint the store
>
>
>
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John Benz Fentner, Jr.
Unionville, Connecticut., USA
Lex Non Favet Delicatorum Votis
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