Loved the "Angry Bees" reference! :-) On Mon, 05 May 2008 20:04:45 -0400, Byron wrote > I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that > course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had > prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're > definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to > the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee > from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL > fall off. > > Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups > of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No > "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanero peppers swimming their way > through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the > usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as > thunder and lightning. > > Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just > when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery > store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. > > Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a > cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't > until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that > the > pain hit me. > Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm > referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us > at the wrong time. The thing is; this pain was different. > > The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a > revolt. In a forcing their way into the large intestines, and before > I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring > sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. > > There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped > in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been > recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor > might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave > the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out > of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. > > I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her > reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to > dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been > torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, > and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. > > I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as > she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of > odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses > and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about > her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, > made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake! > > Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped > down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive > issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and > echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, > fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. > > Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off > through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole > way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took > place. > > Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began > the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because > my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I > was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He > made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly > left. > > Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart > intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee > approached > me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. > It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager > is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which > ought to take care of the problem." > > That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape > me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to > cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S > YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was > unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly > not to return. > > Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing > to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next > day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that > because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim > they're going to have to repaint the store -- =Mark http://www.exit109.com/~mstevens