[CH] from a non chile head friend...
Megan Libbey (mlibbey@bu.edu)
Mon, 2 Feb 1998 09:51:33 -0500
> CHILI COOK-OFF (A story from a guy named Cameron)
>
> Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
> Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because,
> no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick
> at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
> table asking directions to the beerwagon when the call came. I was
> assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
> spicy, and besides they told me I could have FREE BEER during the
> tasting, so I accepted this
> as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet
> writer and therefore known and adored by all.
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
> Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO:
> Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild.
> CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
> paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out. Hope that is the worst one. These people are crazy.
>
> Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
> JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> CAMERON: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I
> am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Hemlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of
> the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a
> bad night.
>
> She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tatoo under
> her
> eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
> Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
>
> Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
> CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
> Uranium
> spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
> the
> routine by now and got out of my way so i could make it to the beer
> wagon.
> Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part
> of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind
> her back they call her "Forklift".
>
> Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
> taste it ... Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
> wouldn't
> have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of
> coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.
>
>
> Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
> admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
> belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
> contestant
> seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage.
> Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
> Sort of irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop
> screaming.
>
>
> Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spice and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic.
> Superb.
> CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipeline filled gaseous
> flames.
> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she
> wants to go dancing later.
>
> Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
> peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
> Judge number 3,
> he appears to be in bit of distress.
> CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
> and I
> wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and world sounds
> like it
> is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth at one point. Good, at autopsy they'll
> know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.
> Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've
> decided to stop
> breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
> I need air I will just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call
> the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
>
> Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
> JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
> fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
> JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
> all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's exsistence.
> CAMERON: Momma......
>____________________________________________________________________
>
>"If little else, the brain is an educational toy."
> -Tom Robbins
>
>Seth J. Ramus, Ph.D. <sramus@bu.edu>
>Boston University, Dept. of Psychology http://sollasollew.bu.edu/
>Laboratory of Cognitive Neurobiology Phone: 617.353.1423
>64 Cummington St., Boston, MA 02215 Fax: 617.353.1414
>