At 02:58 PM 2/18/98 -0500, Edith Calvert wrote:
>Randy.... Like ur ideas on handling[pun] those ski-BUM/kids!!!
>
>Handi-whipes [ T.P also! ] laced w/ Jims flakes!
>WHO is Jim Handley?????
>SF'r?
>Tell me, tell me!!
>ED Calvert
>" Damn!...Starting to sound like an Atevi political ralley/rally!!"
>
That's Jack Handey. It was a skit years ago on Saturday Night Live that
poked fun at those inspirational feel-good messages. They were often more
than a little warped...
Here are some:
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think
you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because
what IS that thing?!
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you."
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because
they'd never expect it.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I
drove him to an old burned- out warehouse. "Oh, no," I
said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I
think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just
call them 'impressions' and if you got a different
'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go, because, man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around. That way, if anybody
says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" - you can say,
"Sorry, got these sacks."
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds
singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes
you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe
go down to the public park and stagger around and ask
people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy
looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I
guess that's like a regular window.
Most of the time in the Middle Ages it was probably real bad
being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there
was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window
and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up,
and started wondering who this person was, and why he
had deer horns.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I
forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy
we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I
think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to
run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for
a few years, because I was thinking about doing that
anyway.
=Mark
@ http://www.exit109.com/~mstevens @
Life is a Cabernet